I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
