hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
