The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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