he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
We have so much sex to catch up on
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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