He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
