So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
