I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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