is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
