guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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