I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Someone shattered a urinal.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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