I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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