I just cut my nipple shaving
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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