whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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