I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
