TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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