First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
