does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
