When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
