when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
