Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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