I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
