I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
