If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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