why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
