I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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