I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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