In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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