I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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