just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
