i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
