I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
