take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
