i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
