I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Two words: blizzard sex
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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