the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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