My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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