i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
