Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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