I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
