....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
