pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
