I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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