I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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