I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Randomize
