i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
