help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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