Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
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You insisted on take shots off of plates.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
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I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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