i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Dick very happy bro
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
