I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
