Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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