I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
