matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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