I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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