I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I AM VODKA MAN
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
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