What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I can't turn off my feet"
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
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