Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
