you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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