The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
